Friendships can feel complicated for children and teens, and for the families who care about them. At Cartwheel’s October Family Webinar, Phyllis Fagell, LCPC, a licensed mental health counselor and author of Middle School Matters, shared ideas for supporting kids through friend drama, group chats, and feeling left out. She noted that the struggles she sees have changed little over the decades, which many families may find reassuring.

What friendship struggles are kids facing today?

Many are the same ones families may remember, with group chats adding new layers. Phyllis noted that technology can bring more comparison and more awareness of who is doing what, which can create the sense that everyone else has a busy social life. Some kids also feel unsure how to make plans, or worry they seem awkward even when adults do not see a problem.

How can I help my child when they assume the worst after being left out?

Phyllis suggested starting with empathy, such as “I’d feel bad too,” and then inviting a child to think of one other possible reason. She calls this “the maybe game,” and children do not have to believe the new explanation. In one example, a fifth grader who found out friends had gotten together without them realized those friends all had team practice that day. She also likes the question “How can we sort this out?” because it signals there is always a way forward. For more on working through big feelings, see our recap on connection, co-regulation, and coping skills.

How can I help my child make plans and find friends?

Start with a small step that feels doable. Phyllis asks kids to rate a social risk from 1 to 10, then looks for something in the 4 to 7 range, such as sitting at the same lunch table or asking a classmate for help with homework. If a group feels closed, she suggested looking for “right fit” friends for now, since having someone to talk to matters more than belonging to a particular group.

Should my child be in large group chats?

Phyllis encourages families to consider having kids leave group chats with more than five people, noting that larger chats are where things more often go wrong. Kids cannot see facial expressions in a chat, and she suggested building in a pause, such as counting to 10 and asking, “Could this hurt someone else?” For more on talking with kids about social media, see our guide, Social Media and Youth Mental Health: What to Know and What to Do.

How do I know if it is bullying, meanness, or everyday discomfort?

Phyllis described three categories. Bullying involves purpose, a pattern, and a power imbalance, and children usually need adult support. Meanness, when kids on equal footing are unkind to each other, is a chance to coach while giving children room to handle it. Emotional discomfort, such as a friend who seems distracted, makes up most of what kids describe as unkindness, in her experience. Listening closely to the details can help tell the difference.

What can families try this week?

• Listen first, and ask, “Do you want me to just listen, or share what I think?”
• Try phrases like “I’ve noticed” and “I wonder.”
• Try the “maybe” game: after a hurtful moment, invite one other possible reason.
• Pick one small, comfortable social step to practice.
• Talk about group chat size, and build in a pause before posting.

Phyllis’s slides, including her list of favorite phrases, are available to download.

Phyllis closed by reminding families that listening, showing empathy, and sharing our own experiences already go a long way. Helping children see that they can manage hard moments and recover, she said, is “the greatest gift of all.”

Family Questions: What Caregivers Wanted to Know

How do I know when to step in and when to let my child figure it out?
Phyllis suggested waiting to be invited in and avoiding the conversation when emotions are high. She shared a puzzle analogy from developmental pediatrician Ken Ginsburg. Things inside the puzzle, like school, activities, and friendships, are chances to coach and listen. Things outside its borders, like safety or harm to self or others, are when families step in more directly.

My child has a conflict with a friend but finds it hard to take responsibility for their part. What can help?
Phyllis noted that children are sharing their own whole truth, so the goal is not to poke holes in it. She suggested asking, “Was that the reaction you were expecting?” and, for kids who find it hard to own their part, “If you had to own your 2%, what would it be?”

What if my child is treated badly by a friend but still wants to stay friends?
Phyllis said this takes patience, because children often need to reach their own conclusion. She suggested talking about what makes a good friend, using phrases like “I’ve noticed you seem on guard with this friend,” and helping other friendships grow so there is “a safe place to land.” Stepping back slowly tends to work better than an abrupt break.

How to Find Additional Mental Health Support for Your Child

If anything from Phyllis’s talk feels close to home, there’s no need to wait until a friendship struggle starts to weigh heavily on your child to ask for help. Getting support early can make a real difference in helping families understand what’s going on and giving kids tools before patterns become more entrenched.

Learn more and request support at cartwheel.org/families

We offer free family webinars throughout the year on topics that matter to parents and caregivers. See what's coming up and register at cartwheel.org/webinarseries

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