In this webinar, Cartwheel welcomed Dr. Mekel Harris, psychologist and family grief expert, for a thoughtful conversation about how children experience grief and how adults can support them with honesty, care, and developmentally appropriate language.
Dr. Harris reminded families that grief is not something to fix or rush through. It is something children need help naming, understanding, and carrying with the support of trusted adults.
Grief vs. Mourning: Why the Difference Matters
Dr. Harris began by clarifying an important distinction that shapes how we support kids.
Grief
- A natural and normal response to loss
- Internal and often invisible
- Includes thoughts, fears, memories, and meaning-making
Mourning
- The outward expression of grief
- Can include crying, anger, withdrawal, regression, or acting out
Because grief often lives on the inside, adults may assume a child is “doing okay” when they’re actually struggling. Understanding this difference helps caregivers look beyond behavior and ask what a child might be carrying emotionally.
Why Talking About Grief Is So Hard and So Important
Many adults want to protect children from pain. She acknowledged that instinct, while gently challenging it.
Avoiding conversations about grief can:
- Leave kids to imagine worst-case scenarios
- Make them feel isolated in their feelings
- Push grief to show up later through anxiety, behavior changes, or physical symptoms
Grief doesn’t go away when it’s ignored. But naming it creates safety. She emphasized that children don’t need perfect words. They need honest, calm, present adults who are willing to sit with discomfort.
How Grief Shows Up in the Whole Child
Grief affects more than emotions. It impacts the nervous system, daily functioning, and sense of safety. Dr. Harris explained that grief may show up as:
Cognitive
- Trouble concentrating
- Daydreaming or seeming “checked out”
- Repeated or unexpected questions
Behavioral
- Regression (bedwetting, clinginess)
- Acting out or testing limits
- Withdrawal or masking feelings
Emotional
- Sadness, anger, anxiety, guilt
- Mood swings
- Fear of more loss
Physical
- Changes in sleep or appetite
- Fatigue or restlessness
- Somatic complaints like headaches or stomachaches
Not all children cry. Not all children talk. All of these responses are normal.
What Grief Looks Like at Different Ages
Preschool & Early Elementary (Ages 2–6)
Children at this age:
- Often believe death is temporary or reversible
- May repeatedly ask when the person is coming back
- Show distress through behavior rather than words
Common signs include:
- Separation anxiety
- Tantrums
- Regression in toileting or independence
Helpful supports:
- Use clear, concrete language (“They died”)
- Avoid euphemisms like “went to sleep”
- Maintain routines to support safety
- Expect questions to repeat — this is how understanding develops
School-Age Children (Ages 7–12)
Children at this stage:
- Begin to understand death is permanent
- Ask “why” and “how” questions
- May pretend they’re fine to protect adults or themselves
You may notice:
- Anxiety about safety or health
- Guilt (“Was it my fault?”)
- Changes in sleep, eating, or behavior
Helpful supports:
- Answer questions honestly, without overwhelming detail
- Reassure children they did not cause the loss
- Allow conversations to happen in short bursts over time
Adolescents (13+)
Teens:
- Fully understand the finality of death
- May struggle to express emotions
- Often fear standing out or being “different” from peers
Grief may show up as:
- Withdrawal
- Irritability or mood swings
- Risk-taking or impulsivity
Helpful supports:
- Respect autonomy while staying emotionally available
- Normalize that grief doesn’t look the same for everyone
- Look for small moments of connection rather than forced talks
Common Mistakes to Avoid
Dr. Harris named several well-intentioned responses that can unintentionally make grief harder:
- Oversharing details beyond what a child can process
- Telling children to “be strong” or stop crying
- Over-spiritualizing loss in ways that create fear or confusion
- Keeping kids constantly busy to avoid feelings
- Pretending everything is fine
The goal is not to remove pain. It’s to help children feel supported while experiencing it.
Caring for Yourself Helps Your Child
Many caregivers feel pressure to hide their own grief. Dr. Harris challenged this idea.
When children see adults:
- Acknowledge sadness
- Use coping tools
- Continue functioning with support
They learn that grief is survivable. Showing emotion, without placing responsibility on the child, models resilience, not weakness.
Support Beyond Today’s Conversation
Grief can bring up a wide range of emotions for children and caregivers, and sometimes families need more support than a single conversation can offer. If your child is struggling with big feelings, behavior changes, or ongoing stress, Cartwheel can help.
Cartwheel partners with schools to provide:
- Therapy for students navigating emotional or behavioral challenges
- Mental health evaluations and diagnosis when concerns arise
- Parent and caregiver guidance to support kids at home
Families can connect to care through their school district.
Learn more about available support: cartwheel.org/families
Keep Learning With Us
Cartwheel offers free, family-friendly webinars throughout the year, designed to give caregivers practical tools they can use right away.
Upcoming webinar
Building Resilience and Emotional Exposure in Kids
January 14, 2026 | 7–8pm ET
View the full calendar and register: cartwheel.org/webinarseries
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