A lot of boys are struggling right now with anxiety, loneliness, and the pressure to hold it all together. And a lot of them are not talking about it.
That silence is not indifference. It is often the result of not having the words, not feeling safe, or having learned somewhere along the way that opening up is risky.
Understanding what is underneath that silence is exactly what Chris Smith, a licensed clinical social worker and therapist with more than 25 years of experience working with youth and families, came to Cartwheel's final webinar of the year to help families do.
Chris opened with a quote from Frederick Douglass that he said he believes in his heart: "It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men." Everything he shared flowed from that belief.
What boys are actually carrying
Chris shared the themes that come up most often when boys and men sit down with him in therapy. The list is worth sitting with, because most of it does not show up on the surface.
Boys talk to him about boredom and a deep sense of not having found their “thing”. About feeling like they do not measure up to the versions of men they see around them. About loneliness, and not having a real community. About not knowing whether their parents actually like them as people, not just love them, but like them. About feeling sad without knowing why, and worrying that means something is wrong with them.
The suicidal piece came up too, and Chris was direct about something he finds concerning: boys jumping from a level one stressor to I do not want to be here anymore. What that tells him is not that something is dramatically wrong with a particular boy, but that many boys have not yet built the skills to tolerate stress. And the time to build those skills, he said, is not when they are at a ten…it is when they are at a two or a four.
Why they go quiet
The “I don't know” that caregivers hear so often from boys is frustrating, and Chris acknowledged that directly. But he offered a reframe that a lot of families found useful: a lot of the time, the boy genuinely does not know. He does not have the language to say, “I was upset because that person questioned who I am, and it shook my sense of myself.” He is just going to say screw that person, or walk away, or shut down entirely.
There is also a safety calculation happening. If a boy has been ridiculed before for being open, he has learned that vulnerability is dangerous. He is not withholding to be difficult. He is protecting himself. Chris was clear: if they do not feel safe, they are not going to share. And creating that safety is the work that comes before any conversation.
A Pew Research study Chris shared added another layer. Among men, work and current events are the most talked-about topics. Mental and physical health are the least. Chris's read on that: it is not that men do not want to go deeper. It is that work and sports feel safer. The invitation, for boys and men alike, is to gently move from what they are talking about toward what they actually want someone to know.
Redefining masculinity
One of the most resonant parts of the session was Chris's framing of masculinity not as a fixed thing, but as something each boy gets to define for himself.
He was clear that every man has been told at some point that he is “not man enough”. And too many boys look at the loudest, most narrow version of masculinity available to them and conclude they do not fit. Chris's invitation to families: stop telling boys to be the man of the house or to man up. Let them be boys. Ask them what being a man means to them. And then listen to the answer, because it will be a working definition that evolves over time.
His own answer, when he shared it, was simple. Being able to take care of himself and the people he loves. Being a source of safety for the people around him. Maybe just being a good person. That is the kind of definition boys deserve the space to build for themselves.
What actually helps
Chris offered a range of practical approaches grounded in his work with boys. None of them require a perfect moment or a big conversation. Most of them are small and consistent.
- Build social skills on purpose. The pandemic left real gaps in how kids learn to talk with each other rather than at each other. Chris described a simple exercise he uses: two kids, chairs facing each other, a seven-minute timer. Go. It feels awkward. That is the point. Debriefing afterward, what worked, what did not, is where the learning happens.
- Talk about social media content, not just screen time. Chris described going down a rabbit hole of fighting videos after watching boxing content, and then stepping outside and finding the real world was nothing like what he had just been watching. That contrast matters. Ask boys what they are watching, what draws them to it, and what version of the world it is showing them.
- Use the feelings wheel. Boys often cannot name what they are feeling, not because they are not feeling anything, but because they have not been given the vocabulary. The feelings wheel is a simple tool that helps. Ask which emotions feel comfortable. Ask which ones feel scary. When something happens, come back to it and ask, what emotion was that?
- Try out-of-the-box approaches. Some of the best conversations Chris has had with boys have happened in the weight room, in the kitchen, or on a walk. Side by side, moving, no direct eye contact. The pressure drops and the talking starts. If the living room is not working, try a drive.
- Let them list their wins. Chris started keeping a wins list in his phone in 2021. He encourages boys to do the same, and he is deliberate that wins do not have to be achievements. I was kind to someone today. I was told I was a good listener. Building self-esteem that is not entirely tied to performance matters.
- Help them build a bigger world. Community is protective. Whether that is a team, a club, a church, a theater program, or something else entirely, boys who have more places where they belong have more places to land. If a boy does not like sports, that is fine. Help him find his thing, whatever it is.
Chris closed with a concept he called “a man within reach.” Not a figure on social media, not someone far away, but an actual man in a boy's life who shows up, listens, and takes him seriously. He told a story about a young man who reached out to him, and they spent two and a half hours over dinner talking about dating, family, and what life felt like. What stayed with Chris was the thought of all the boys who do not have that. His hope is that every boy does.
Continuing the conversation
This was the final session of Cartwheel's 2025-26 family webinar series. Thank you to everyone who joined us this year, asked questions, and showed up for the young people in your lives. We will be back with a new series in the 2026-27 school year.
If something from this session resonated with you, whether you are worried about a boy who has gone quiet or just looking for ways to stay connected, Cartwheel's clinicians work with both students and families. You do not need to have a crisis to reach out.
Learn more and request support at cartwheel.org/families
Find recordings from this year's webinar series and sign up to hear about next year's sessions at cartwheel.org/webinarseries
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