If you are raising a child with ADHD, you already know that some days are really hard. The mornings that go sideways before 8am. The homework that takes three hours. The feeling that you have tried everything and nothing is sticking. And sometimes, the worry that what you're doing isn't enough.
You're not getting this wrong.
In a recent Cartwheel family webinar, Dr. Erin Schoenfelder Gonzalez, a clinical psychologist at Seattle Children's Hospital who specializes in ADHD and parent-focused approaches, walked families through what is actually going on in their child's brain — and five practical things they can do about it. Her work focuses on helping caregivers understand what is driving behavior, and how to respond in ways that support both skill-building and self-esteem.
Here are some of the key ideas from that conversation.
It starts in the brain
ADHD is not about a child being lazy, difficult, or not trying hard enough. It is a brain-based condition, and understanding that changes how we respond to it.
Two things are happening in the brain of a child with ADHD. First, the frontal lobe — the part of the brain responsible for planning, focus, and self-control — develops at roughly a 30% delay compared to kids without ADHD. That delay shows up almost exactly in the behaviors families see at home. Second, the brain's dopamine system works differently. Dopamine is the chemical that keeps us motivated and interested. Kids with ADHD get a big rush of dopamine from things that are exciting or new, and not nearly enough from everyday tasks like homework or getting ready in the morning.
Dr. Gonzalez introduced a concept she called the "window on time." Adults can hold a lot of information in their minds at once. We are thinking about what happened earlier, what needs to happen later, and what is right in front of us. Kids have a smaller window. Kids with ADHD have a very narrow window. There is now, and there is not now. If something is not happening right in front of them, it is not in their brain.
So when you give a four-step instruction and leave the room, and nothing gets done, it is not defiance. The Legos were the only thing in the window.
What this means for parents
Dr. Gonzalez was clear about something that does not get said enough: if you are parenting a child with ADHD, the daily demands are often greater than families realize. You are managing more, redirecting more, and communicating on your child's behalf more often. It makes sense that you are tired.
It can also feel isolating. About 10% of kids have ADHD, which means a lot of families are navigating the same daily challenges, often without as much support or understanding as they need. The strategies that help are learnable, and small consistent shifts make a real difference over time.
The 5 keys
Dr. Gonzalez organized her guidance around five things children with ADHD need more of than other kids. These are not five things families are doing wrong; they are areas where kids with ADHD simply need more support, and where small, consistent adjustments tend to make the biggest difference. They are ways of thinking about everyday interactions that can shift things gradually, not five separate programs to take on at once.
More positivity. Kids with ADHD already receive a lot of corrections from teachers, coaches, and peers throughout the day. Aim for three positive comments for every one correction, and go small. Noticing that they started homework without being asked twice counts. Before taking something away for a behavior you want to stop, ask whether you have tried rewarding the opposite behavior first.
More planning. Because kids with ADHD are not doing the planning themselves, parents have to do more of it. Look at which moments in the day go wrong again and again, and build a plan around those. Clear routines and specific expectations go a long way. Where you can, save the things your child enjoys for after the hard things are done. Putting the reward after the effort gives them something to move toward.
More reward. The connection between effort and payoff needs to happen quickly. A reward at the end of the week is too far away. Tokens or coupons that can be exchanged for something your child wants can help bridge the gap when the reward cannot happen right away.
More feedback. Feedback needs to happen in the moment, while the behavior is still in the window. Talking about what went wrong on the drive home from soccer practice will not land. Get in the window, name what you see, and keep the ratio of praise to correction in mind.
More practice. Skills that other kids pick up naturally often need to be actively taught to kids with ADHD, and they need far more repetition to stick. Show rather than tell. Role play situations before they happen in real life. The goal is for those prompts to become habits over time, and that takes more repetitions than it feels like it should.
Start here: special time
If there is one thing Dr. Gonzalez would ask every family to try first, it's special time. Ten minutes a day where your child is completely in charge, you follow their lead, and there are no instructions or teachable moments. Just be there.
The research on this is strong: consistent special time builds resilience and protects self-esteem during a period when kids with ADHD are often getting a lot of negative feedback from the world around them. Use a timer so it stays manageable, and aim for every day.
Health habits matter more than you might think
Three things directly affect how well a child with ADHD can focus, and all three are connected.
Sleep matters more for kids with ADHD than for other kids, and many are not getting enough. Elementary-aged kids need more than 10 hours, and no strategy or medication fully compensates for a child who is not sleeping well.
Daily movement supports focus in ways that are well-documented.
Screen boundaries also play an important role. Dr. Gonzalez emphasized that kids with ADHD are especially drawn to screens because screens deliver constant dopamine — and without clear family boundaries around screen time, it can crowd out the habits and activities that support focus and regulation. Setting limits in this area can help create the conditions for other strategies to take hold.
Working with your child's school
Dr. Gonzalez encouraged families to approach school as a partnership. Teachers want your child to succeed too, and starting from that shared goal tends to go further than coming in defensively.
Ask your child's teacher what they are seeing in class, and share what you are seeing at home. Look for patterns together and ask what has already helped.
Even if you are not pursuing a formal 504 plan or IEP, ask for a written record of what supports are in place so the next teacher does not start from scratch.
If your child is struggling academically and does not already have a plan in place, it is worth asking whether they might qualify for one. Accommodations like extra time, flexible seating, or movement breaks can make a meaningful difference.
Helpful Resources
Several free resources were shared during the webinar that families can access right now:
→ FAST (First Approach Skills Training) — A free library of handouts, workbooks, and short videos from Seattle Children's Hospital. The Behavior Basics video class covers the same evidence-based strategies from the webinar, and each video is under five minutes.
→ ErinGonzalezPhD.com — A video library covering ADHD topics for families, plus her children's book series Benji's Busy Brain and Darcy Dreamer, which help kids understand how their brains work. Both books are available in English and Spanish.
→ Family Media Use Plan — A tool from the American Academy of Pediatrics to help families set screen-free zones and times.
Continuing the conversation
If something from this session felt close to home, Cartwheel's clinicians work with both students and families. You do not need to have a crisis to reach out.
Learn more and request support at cartwheel.org/families
We offer free family webinars throughout the year on topics that matter to parents and caregivers. Coming up next: Learning How to Recognize and Treat Youth with OCD and Related Disorders with Dr. Erica Greenberg on May 12.
See what's coming up and register at cartwheel.org/webinarseries
